10 years ago on March 8th, 2005 I woke up in the morning, bright and early. It was still dark out and I was up to get ready to head to MOPS (Mother's of Preschoolers) to help babysit kids. When I came downstairs I remember the house was still pretty dark, my Mom and I sat down on the couch and my oldest brother Jake was standing close by, my Mom said "Daddy passed away last night". My Dad had been battling his second battle with lung cancer for the past 7 months, he had already gone through radiation and surgery several years before when I was about 5 years old, but the cancer came back when I was 11. This time, it was worse and it was affecting an area behind his heart. He started chemo and I remember those days he would be in his room and I could hear him throwing up and coughing. I don't remember when, but he didn't keep up chemo for long, he decided instead to stop all treatment and live out his life not feeling sick all the time. I remember helping give him meds, keeping track of what ones he had, what time did he take them, and helping out with anything I could. He was here for my 12th birthday, where we had Salisbury steak and a cake with a horse head shape made out of oreo's on it. I am so thankful I had that last birthday with him, even though he was frail and sick, he was out there with me and the family and my friends to make my day special. March 8th, 2005 is really just a blur in my memory. Maybe I blocked it out because I don't want to remember the sadness, or maybe I just can't remember anymore. I do remember there being so so SO many people coming in and out all day. There was family and there were close friends. All saying how sorry they were and me not really knowing what was going on. I remember when the undertaker came to get his body and my siblings and I got sent upstairs to our room with Mrs. Root and our dog Justin (because the guy was scared he was going to bite him and I remember thinking "My dog isn't going to bite you!"). In the late afternoon my best friend Chrissy got there with her mom and Valeri. I remmeber running to the door and smiling as she walked up, I was so thankful to finally have my best friend there and for the rest of the day I forgot everything else.
Now, 10 years later, it's hard to not think about all the things my Dad has missed. He missed me starting high school and then graduating. He missed me starting college and then moving 5 hours away to embrace my dream of working for Guiding Eyes for the Blind. He missed so many other small life changes that happened day to day. In some ways I am dreading the day I get married because whose going to walk me down the isle to give me away? And what about the day that I have a baby? He won't be here in person to share these moments, but I know he's there in my heart.
He's there when I smell coconut; he's there when I eat Lay's Potato Chips and Bison French Onion Dip; he's there when I'm on the beach on Lake Ontario; and he's there when I see those hot summer days and am reminded of all the times he would sit outside in the sun with his tanning lotion and sleeping on his chaise lounge.
My Dad was a caring, loving, and hard worker. He was a painter and had his own business. He fed into my love of animals and let me get basically whatever I wanted. He had the best smile and laugh and he called me his "peanut". I miss my Dad all the time, there are days I spend a lot of time crying, and there are days it hits me harder then others, but I know that I am making my Dad proud. I miss you Daddy, I wish the cancer didn't take you and I wish there was a cure. Love you forever, and even after that.
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